New Labour...New Mathematics.

The mathematics you need to understand New Labour's Weird Britain.

Answer all questions... remember we are watching you. Extra marks will be given for political correctness. Be calculating.

1. Mohammed is a chemistry undergraduate. He buys 50 litres of hydrogen peroxide and 2 tonnes of nitrogen fertiliser.

a. if it takes 5 litres of hydrogen peroxide and 50kg of nitrogen fertiliser to make a bomb, how many bombs will Mohammed be able to make?

b. if Mohammed is a suicide bomber, estimate his funeral costs.

c. was it a good idea to teach Mohammed chemistry in the first place?

2. A standard 40 foot shipping container has a volume of 67.7 cubic metres. A person can fit into 1.5 cubic metres.

a. how many Chinese illegal immigrants can fit into the container?

b. the haulage contractor, Fuk Yew, charges each person £3000 in advance. How much does he make from a full load?

c. if 25% of them die from suffocation, does Fuk Yew care?

3. Abdul Ali has two wives who live thirty miles apart, one in Lancashire and the other in Yorkshire. Abdul visits each wife on alternate days. Abdul's car does 10 miles per litre of petrol. Petrol is £1.05 per litre.

a. how many miles will Abdul drive in a week?

b. if Abdul receives £30 per week income support for each wife, will that cover the cost of the petrol?

4. In a local election, 40% of the 4000 votes cast are postal votes. Labour's candidate, Nwabueze Nganja, wins the election by a margin of 5500 votes. Was the result rigged?

5. Every time Gordon Broon tells a lie, his nose grows by 1 mm. Starting from 1997:

a. how many lies has Broon told?

b. how long should Broon's nose be?

c. what has been the cost of plastic surgery to keep Broon's nose a normal size?

6. Mr Derek Pigg MP claims £20000 per annum expenses for his mortgage and employs 3 members of his family on a salary of £30000 per annum each.

a. what is the total cost to the taxpayer?

b. if Mr Pigg's employees do not work, do they still get paid?

c. how many low-income taxpayers have to pay an extra £300 per annum in tax to cover Mr Pigg's expenses?

7. Asylum seeker, Sergei Buggeroff, sneaks into the country with his family and goes to the social security. They get a free furnished house and £150 a week spending money. Do they live happily ever after?

8. Mayor Ken Deadrock has 5 illegitimate children. What is the cost of these little bastards to the taxpayer every year?

9. Private Tommy Atkins on operations in Afghanistan works 24 hours per day and earns £60 per day.

a. calculate his hourly rate of pay

b. why is Tommy being paid less than half minimum wage?

10. Meti Poxd, a London-based Albanian pimp and Islamic terrorist, hires out 15 women for £100 per hour each. If each woman is forced to have sex for 12 hours per day:

a. how much is Meti's total income?

b. how much money will each woman be given?

c. how much tax will Meti pay?

11. Chartered accountant Yvonne Smith has to learn yet another New Labour tax. How long will it be before Yvonne's brain explodes?

12. The same basket of groceries increases in price in one year from £20.56 to £23.67.

a. what has been the percentage increase in price?

b. explain how to fiddle the figures so that inflation is shown as 1.9%.

13. The BBC Licence Tax of £139.50 is paid by 25000000 people.

a. what is the total amount paid to the Banal Bullshit Corporation?

b. what percentage of this is spent by BBC employees on illegal drugs?

14. The constituency of Liverpool Shiteside has 80000 voters. The turnout at the last election was 25%. 10000 of those who voted chose the winning Labour candidate. What percentage of the total voters actually selected the winning candidate?

15. Tracey Slagg has 6 children by 6 different men. Tracey is living off benefits, all the fathers are in prison and all the children are in care. What is the annual cost to the tax payer of this family?

16. Al Qaeda supporter, Abu Psycho, is released from prison. How much benefit money can he claim every month?

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If you can't answer any of the above questions, just colour in the following pretty pattern. There are no incorrect answers so you are bound to pass.

111101010

001110000

111001100

000111001

## Monday, 7 April 2008

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